You CAN Learn to Be Charismatic!

Suzette Haden Elgin, in her book, The Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense, discusses the ability of “Being Charismatic” in your communication. Charisma, she says, “is a mysterious, irresistible, almost magical ability to make others believe you and want to do anything you ask of them.”

There is a library of research that indicates that logic is almost useless as a way of convincing people of anything. You could use the power of force (hold a gun to them or threaten to fire them) but that is not charisma. The difference between coercion and charisma is that you want to believe the charismatic individual and you want to do anything he or she asks of you, and you don’t care at al about other factors. Many people have made great speeches, but when John F. Kennedy made a speech, everybody said, “Let’s march!” That’s charisma.

Whatever the scientific definition of charisma is, it is a matter of perception. It must be seen, heard and felt.

The question is, can you be taught to bring about that perception of charisma in people listening to you?

Elgin believes you can. So do I. It’s a matter of learning techniques in your communication skills and practicing those techniques.

Of course it helps if you are born beautiful or physically attractive, but if you are not absolutely gorgeous, don’t worry! The single most important factor, the one thing that genuinely matters is how hard you are willing to work at it.

Elgin offers some techniques in learning to be charismatic that can be learned at the beginner’s level and will give you a good return on your investment of effort. Some of these are pretty amazing -- you will be shocked!

Four Skills in Being Charismatic:
1. Matching Sensory Mode
2. Parallelism
3. The Unifying Metaphor
4. Culturally Loaded Vocabulary

1. Matching Sensory Mode
The first thing you need to do is notice the difference in people’s language patterns. People have their own preferences for the use of one kind of sensory information over the other, and they make their preference clear in language. For example, there are sight, hearing, touch, smell and taste people. Let me explain:

Sight -- “I see what you mean. I see your point. That looks very clear. That looks good to me.”
Hearing -- “I hear what you are saying. That sounds fine to me.”
Touch -- “This just doesn’t feel right. I can’t put my finger on it. It feels okay to me.”
Smell -- “This is fishy to me. The whole thing smells rotten. I’ll sniff around and find out.”
Taste -- “The whole thing leaves a bad taste in my mouth. This makes me sick.”

Now you might be a sight person, and your employee is a hearing person. If you don’t match the sensory mode of the person you are talking with, the communication will not be as effective.

For example:
X: "That’s my proposal. I’d like to know if it’s clear and if you see any problems."
Y: "No, it really looks good to me."
(Sensory modes match)
Compare:
X: "That’s my proposal. I’d like to know if it’s clear and if you see any problems."
Y: "No, it really sounds fine to me."
(Sensory modes don’t match.)

Although both mean the same, in one example the sensory modes match and the other they don’t. This is not trivial, especially in a confrontational atmosphere. With minimum effort, your communication will improve drastically if you match the sensory modes. People will feel more understood and more pleased with your communication skills. Now this is not the cure for every problem, however, sensory mode matching is a powerful way to reduce potential conflict. It makes your listener feel you are on the same wavelength, that you are empathetic and understanding, and a pleasure to talk to. Learning to this quickly and naturally requires practice -- an “effort” investment. You first need to be aware of your own mode and then practice identifying others’. Then practice matching them.

2. Parallelism
Charismatic speech is always balanced speech. The balance makes it easy to listen to, and easy to remember. It makes following the speaker something you can do without effort, because you quickly catch on the patter and know what to expect. It’s simply comforting! The easiest way to work towards balance is that whenever you speak of more than one of anything; use the same language for each item. Elgin gives a perfect example:

“I have a goal that will not be ignored. I have a plan that must not be forgotten. I have a vision that cannot be denied.”

Now compare this with….

“I have a goal that will not be ignored. The plan that I’ve worked out is note that everybody must remember. And my vision, now -- let them try to deny me that!”

See the difference? The one that is more effective and more charismatic is the first one. By the second sentence the listener knows what to expect and relaxes. So long as the pattern is maintained, the perception of the speaker as charismatic will be maintained also -- and content has little to do with it!

This is not just for public speaking! This principle can be maintained in ordinary everyday conversation, in your writing, and even your emails! If you want to hear the finest example in parallelism, listen to or read JFK’s inaugural address and take it apart, one sentence at a time, noting the parallel structure it contains.

3. The Unifying Metaphor
If you have a complex message, and especially that might have opposition to it, you need one of two things. First, either you have superior force (the gun, the raise, the promotion, etc.) or secondly, a unifying metaphor to be used as a peg to hang the plan on, one that people can relate to. Good communicators, advertising agencies, PR firms, always rely on the second. The unifying metaphor is essential to charismatic speech.

For example, Elgin states the most popular great American Unifying metaphor is the “Western Frontier.” It’s used over and over again and it never fails…. The Marlboro Man, the frontier spirit in space, Alaska -- the Last Frontier. It creates acceptance because we all can relate to it. When John F. Kennedy organized the language of his presidency around the New Frontier, he knew this, and the effect was predictable. We all loved it!

Elgin says that even if your plan is nothing more complex than getting fifteen people to the same picnic on time, the unifying metaphor is the handiest and most charismatic way of doing it!

When you think of a good unifying metaphor, or when a commercial, an advertisement, or a speech makes you think of one write it down, you may be able to use it later. What are unifying metaphors you can use in your organization?

One note of caution: when you use a metaphor, watch out for presuppositions that hadn’t occurred to you and wont help. For example the “Clean Indoor Air Campaign” in California in 1976, the proposal to end smoking in public was shot down, although the polls seemed to show the people were for it. The problem was that the unifying metaphor wasn’t working and people chose the Marlboro man metaphor!

4. Culturally Loaded Vocabulary
The last of the charisma producers! Certain words and phrases are heavily loaded - either positively or negatively within the cultural group that uses them. This is called culturally biased language. They can be very powerful - both negatively or positively. If you want to be perceived as charismatic, know the culturally loaded vocabulary of the person(s) you are talking to, and whether they are positive or negative. “Trigger words” are negative words or phrases that set off a negative reation.

You need to be careful with ethnic terms, curses, endearments, and current media clichés. Groups that are familiar to you are easy; it’s the groups that you’re not familiar with that can cause a challenge. Always do some advance research, preferably by discussing the matter with someone who is native to that group. This is a tricky area, but the basics should be clear. Avoid negatively loaded words. If you’re not sure of a word, leave it out of your speech entirely. If you are certain that a particular word has a positive value as culturally loaded vocabulary, use it if you can, this will set up a feeling that you are someone trustworthy.

Example: “You see, we come on time because we’re Anglo, and they’re not.”
Better: “Different groups of people have different ways of looking at time. I think that’s the root of the difficulty.”

Now, a final note about being charismatic -- it takes practice! But it can be fun. Use these techniques to begin and you’ll see the perception people have of you will begin to change. You ‘effort investment’ will be worth it!

References:
Elgin, Suzette Haden, 1993. The Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense. New York: Barnes & Noble Books. ISBN: 0-88029-030-7